Marrying a Man with Children

One month ago I married my husband and his three kids. I've always known that marrying him meant committing myself to all of them. A year ago when we started talking about getting married I told him that he could even think about asking me until the kids were on board. I also made it clear that getting the kids on board was his job and he'd better get to work.

I've heard too many stories from other stepmoms about how everything was going great until they got married. Suddenly relationships with the kids feel apart. Some kids pulled away not just from their stepmom but also from their dad. I was not about to let this happen. Being a stepparent isn't easy, no reason to make things more complicated!

The first time he talked to the children about us getting married, they were unsure. "What about mom?" the 9 year old asked. They said they would feel bad for their mom if he was married and she wasn't. I was not happy about this. Their mother and her boyfriend had been together longer than he and I had!

He talked to them a few more times with mixed emotions and results. By Christmas they were all fully on board and secretly plotting with him on how he should propose to me. It was pretty cute, they had no idea I knew. The proposal did not go exactly as planned, but that's an entirely different story.

When we started planning for our big day I made sure to include the kids. We'd talk about different things regarding the wedding. From the start the kids all referred to it as "our wedding" meaning all five of us, not just their dad and I. We encouraged that thought and made it our reality. They had some ideas about the wedding, like orange tuxedos. I had to say no to that one! I was encouraged though. These are the same children who insist that wearing anything other than t-shrits and athletic shorts is unfair, ridiculous, controlling and just mean.

On the day, the kids didn't complain at all. The boys happily wore their grey tuxes despite the heat. My stepdaughter remained in her dress even after my other flower girl changed into something more comfortable. After the ceremony, my oldest stepson told my stepmom friends he was glad I was his stepmom. It was a really a wonderful day for all of us.

My relationships with my stepchildren were not damage in any way by our marriage. The single event didn't magically make our relationships better either. Relationships are more complicated than that. I shed more than a few tears waiting for the kids to get on board, but I am glad I did.