Screen Printing Sunday at Grease Diner

Screen Printing at Grease Diner

I am totally addicted to finding new artsy activities on Groupon and Living Social. This month I found a great Groupon deal for the Grease Diner in Oakland. The kids started planning their shirts 2 weeks before we actually went. When the day finally came they were so excited. They weren't disappointed either.

The whole process took about 2 hours. Before actually printing each shirt, there were a number of test prints on different materials. Each of the kids left with about 6 different prints on the various materials in addition to their shirts. They were thrilled!

John and Laurie were awesome. In addition to the screen printing classes they have a store front filled with all kinds of different artwork from local artists. I even saw stuffed animals from a San Francisco Artist who I'd meet at FabMo a few years back!

The kids can't wait to go back. Next time I will plan to make a shirt for myself too. I will bring the blank t-shirts for us all though. They provide them at the Grease Diner for a very reasonable price but the selection is limited. I'm pretty particular about my t-shirts too. I don't want to come up with an awesome design and then print it on a shirt I'll never wear.

All in all it was a great experience that we would recommend to everyone.

Marrying a Man with Children

One month ago I married my husband and his three kids. I've always known that marrying him meant committing myself to all of them. A year ago when we started talking about getting married I told him that he could even think about asking me until the kids were on board. I also made it clear that getting the kids on board was his job and he'd better get to work.

I've heard too many stories from other stepmoms about how everything was going great until they got married. Suddenly relationships with the kids feel apart. Some kids pulled away not just from their stepmom but also from their dad. I was not about to let this happen. Being a stepparent isn't easy, no reason to make things more complicated!

The first time he talked to the children about us getting married, they were unsure. "What about mom?" the 9 year old asked. They said they would feel bad for their mom if he was married and she wasn't. I was not happy about this. Their mother and her boyfriend had been together longer than he and I had!

He talked to them a few more times with mixed emotions and results. By Christmas they were all fully on board and secretly plotting with him on how he should propose to me. It was pretty cute, they had no idea I knew. The proposal did not go exactly as planned, but that's an entirely different story.

When we started planning for our big day I made sure to include the kids. We'd talk about different things regarding the wedding. From the start the kids all referred to it as "our wedding" meaning all five of us, not just their dad and I. We encouraged that thought and made it our reality. They had some ideas about the wedding, like orange tuxedos. I had to say no to that one! I was encouraged though. These are the same children who insist that wearing anything other than t-shrits and athletic shorts is unfair, ridiculous, controlling and just mean.

On the day, the kids didn't complain at all. The boys happily wore their grey tuxes despite the heat. My stepdaughter remained in her dress even after my other flower girl changed into something more comfortable. After the ceremony, my oldest stepson told my stepmom friends he was glad I was his stepmom. It was a really a wonderful day for all of us.

My relationships with my stepchildren were not damage in any way by our marriage. The single event didn't magically make our relationships better either. Relationships are more complicated than that. I shed more than a few tears waiting for the kids to get on board, but I am glad I did.

I'm Not a Mom, I Just Play One at My House

I am not a mom, but I have three kids. I do everything a mom does. I cook, clean, help with homework, read bedtime stories, plan vacations, drive kids to school... I'm expected to treat these three children just like they are my own. That is easier said than done.

Balancing work and family is difficult for any mom. For a stepmom it's even more difficult. Compromising for three kids I didn't bring into this world isn't easy. I have to balance work, my relationship with my partner, my relationship with kids who aren't mine, and the relationship or perceived relationship with the kids' mother. Oh, then there is the relationship with my family and his family. It feels a lot like like musical chairs and I am always the one who ends up without a chair.

There is the constant reminder that I am not a mom. He let's it slip, "you don't understand because you don't have kids". The kids sing the mommy song and do the mommy dance when it is time to go back to their mom's house. My family is great, but they don't acknowledge the children's birthdays, which feels like not acknowledging that I have kids. 

On the outside I look like a contender for mom of the year. I go to little league games, soccer practice, I leave work early so my partner can coach the boys teams, I cook healthy meals plus a simplified version for the kids to eat, I plan birthday parties and I genuinely am invested in his children. I want to be the best "mom" possible, but sometimes it hurts.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. For me, this year, it came like a slap in the face. It screamed at me YOU ARE NOT A MOM. My partner was right when he told me I place a lot (he said too much) of significance on things like holidays and birthdays. It's not just mine though, I place significance on everyone on these days. I want everyone in my life to know that they matter. I want to know that I matter.

My partner was wonderful to me on Mother's Day. He celebrated me for being such a wonderful mother figure to his children. He let me know how much he appreciates me and everything I do. Despite all he did for me, I still have an empty spot in my heart. 

Originally Posted on 5/16/13

The Label of Stepmom

I label myself as a stepmother. It is the most accurate description for the role I fill in my kids’ lives. They label me as their stepmom because it is the easiest explanation for who I am in their lives.

Yes, I sometimes call them my kids. They are the children in my life. They live with their father and I 50% of the time. When I go to their school or sporting events and someone asks me “which child is yours?” I don’t say, “none of them”. I say, “that one”. Sometimes I explain further that I am the stepmom, sometimes I say I am their father’s girlfriend. It all depends on the situation and who I am talking to.

I label myself as girlfriend when referring to my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes I label him as my partner. I guess you could get technical and label him my domestic partner, but that just sounds so stiff and formal.

I label my stepkids’ grandma, grandma. She is their grandmother 100%, even though she has no biological or legal bond to them. Her emotional bond is just as deep with my boyfriend’s kids as it is with her own biological grandchildren.

My parents label me a mother, because that is the role I fill in my house. I have more than once, in my adjustment into parenthood, been told by my parents “that is the mom’s job”. They are not insinuating that I am, or should be, taking the children’s mother’s place. They are simply using a label.

Some of the family members that I label “cousin” are actually my mom’s cousins. I’m not really sure what my first cousin’s daughter is to me either so I just label her cousin as well.  

We all go by many relational labels, none of which do anything but help others categorize our relationships with different people. Mother, Stepmother, Father, Stepfather, Sister, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Niece, Grandparents, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Husband, Ex-wife, Ex-husband, Friend, Acquaintance, Boss, Co-worker, Supervisor, Artist, Mechanic, Teacher…

Some people are stricter about family relationship titles than others. I know a lot of people who chose not to have sex or to live together before they got married, no wait… I can actually only think of one couple who did that who I know personally and I’m not really sure about the sex part. It is 2012 not 1900, times and family dynamics have changed.

At my house, with my family, my label is stepmom. The kids call me Ash. They know that I am not married to their dad, but they also know that I love him with all my heart. They know that I am going to cook their dinners, make their lunches and help them with their homework. I am going to do everything that a stepmom or a mom is “supposed” to do.

When I fell in love with my boyfriend I knew I was stepping into a much bigger role than just girlfriend. I understood that I was stepping into the mother role in the home the children have when they are with us. I never mistake that role as actually being their mother, but I also never minimize the importance of the role I am playing in their lives. 

Originally Posted 11/5/12

Bonding with Stepkids

Bonding with step kids does not happen overnight. At the end of having known my kids for a full year now, I feel like I am still just starting the process. According to everything I have read, and our therapist agrees, blending a family takes 5-7 years. 

Parents get to bond with their children from the day they are born. The connection is innate and mutual. Children naturally feel love and affection for their parents, these are the most important people in their lives. 

I want to feel that. I am a childless stepmother, which means I don't have kids of my own. Every once in a while I get a little glimmer of what that parent/child bond feels like but for the most part, what it feels like I get, is a lot of responsibility. 

My relationship with my step children will be what I make of it. If I do nothing and offer nothing, I will likely get nothing. So I offer myself. I make sure I am available to my step kids. I listen to them even when they are just rambling on about some kid thing I know nothing about. I ask them questions about school and any activities they are involved with. I do a million mundane everyday expected things like this. 

While all of those things matter, there are three specific things I do with my step children that I know are the keys to our bonding. 

1. I do crafts with the kids.
2. I have the kids help me cook.
3. We have a special show that we watch together.

Niether of my kids' biological parents can cook or turn a bottle cap into a necklace. These are special things that the children do with me. In our house these are what I think of as "safe activities" meaning that there are no loyalty issues for the kids because I am not treading in their mother's place. I do not try to do the same things she does with the children. The last thing I want to do is create a situation that feels to them like I am competing with their mother. 

The kids watch an array of annoying kid's shows. They watch sports with their dad and who knows what with their mom. We have a special show that we watch together though, just the kids and I. Yesterday, while the four of us were huddled together under blankets on the couch, my oldest stepson said, "I like it when we watch this show together, it feels cozy". My heart melted a little and the memory still makes me feel emotional. I assure you that the show we watch together is not "cozy", he was referring to all of us and the comfortable, mutual relationship bonds we are building. 

Originally Posted 10/3/12

Step vs Bonus in Blended Families

Does the Step in Stepmom and Stepchild really have a bad connotation? Frankly, I don't think it has anything to do with the actual word. If you are going to get your panties in a wad over a word that simply explains to others how your family fits together, good luck dealing with any issues that actually might affect your life.

I've been a stepmom for about a year now. Or to be completely upfront and exact, I have been in my boyfriend's, childrens' lives for almost a year. Dad's girlfriend really doesn't do justice to my position in the kids lives. I never thought much about the term stepmom. When I found myself becoming one I defined it as, at dad's house I "step" in and fill the mother role. That is not actually where the step comes from, if you want to know the actual origin you can try to dissect the definition found in the Online Etymology Dictionary.

Some stepmoms opt to use the word "bonus" instead of step. This I don't understand. In a child's life how in the world can one more parent be a bonus? Kids want to rebel and get away with all the things we tell them not to do. I'm pretty sure 3 or 4 parents instead of just 2 puts a major cramp in the ease of parental manipulation children are trying to achieve. They also now have to navigate the complicated and often negative relationships between all those parents.

I do see how the addition of another person can be a bonus, especially one who loves and cares for the child. A relationship that creates security is a bonus. An extra parent, not so much bonus there.

In my family we use the word step to help someone else see our family tree clearly. If someone calls me mom, no one jumps to correct them unless clarification is necessary. The step also helps the kids not feel like I am trying to take their mother's place. I'm not sure bonus would do the same thing.

Bonus just sounds like you are scared of the word step and the realities that come along with the fact that you are the stepmom not the mom. These are your step kids not your kids. Those can be painful facts to face. You have all the best intentions, but you are not an equal parent. You love these kids and you may be doing just as much if not more than their mom, but they don't love you the same way they love her.

You can use bonus, but the biological mom's at the soccer game are still not going to give you full mom credit. Your partner is still going to slip every once in a while and say, you don't understand because you don't have kids of your own. Your "bonus" kid is still going to going to yell, you aren't my mom when he gets mad.

Step is just a word and it happens to be the word used to describe the relationship between members of blended families. Changing the word won't change it's "connotation". I think what really needs to change is your perception of the word and perhaps your expectations of the relationships you are building.

Originally posted 9/27/12